“I’m miserable.”
For people who suffer from depression, that’s often how it starts. Maybe not in so many words, maybe in no words at all, but something happens that we get to this point where this thought forms in our minds. Often the thought is never vocalized out loud. Occasionally we don’t even know that it’s there. Other times we ignore it, hoping that it will go away if we just keep living our lives.
We rarely know the direct cause of this thought. We couldn’t tell you if we tried, but we really appreciate you asking, even if we don’t always act like it. We say things like, “Yeah, I’m fine,” even though we know we’re not. We might say, “I’m tired,” which is a popular one amongst boys and men, who are especially afraid of looking weak or soft. We all, however, are afraid of being seen as though we’re ungrateful for what we've been given. We all are worried about the judgement that often comes from feeling sad in a world that has so many happy things in it. But then, there it is, that thought.
“I’m miserable.”
For some people who suffer from depression, that thought is the very bottom. For others it’s merely a stage in the spiral downwards that has recently gripped them. Maybe something happened directly to the person to start the cycle. Maybe something happened to the people or area around the person that was just one more hole in the leaf that the caterpillar of life sent spiraling downwards.
They begin to feel more tired and more irritated, they act more reserved around friends and family, they lose interest in favourite past times and hobbies. They come home to a lonely house without a decent eight hour sleep in the last two weeks. They search through their contacts for someone to go out with, coming up empty. They don't want to bother anyone with their feelings or cries for help. They look through video game stores as if they were a teenager again, hoping for something to grab their attention and spark some sense of purpose inside like it once did. They feel invisible and unimportant until finally they find themselves laying on the floor of their townhouse this afternoon thinking out loud to themselves:
“I’m miserable.”
For me that thought has always brought one unexpected feeling: relief. I think it’s because it brings an odd sense of understanding of what I am thinking and feeling. I try to think of it like a large cliff face, with the thought acting as a ledge to land on. When I am spiraling downwards, like a leave in the wind, I don’t feel as if I am in control. I feel as though there is no ledge to land on and I might spiral forever. The thought “I’m miserable,” has this way of defining my state of mind and closing off the noise of the wind that exists within a depression spiral. It offers a place to land and establishes a firm knowing of where my mindset currently is. It also provides me with the feeling of being back in control and establishing a base camp for my climb back to the top. This climb, of course, is often easier said than done.
People who suffer from mental illness often already know the types of things that they need to do in order to get back up to the top of the cliff. If you don’t, a simple Google search using the words “10 ways to cope with depression” reveals 13, 600 results. In fact, here’s a link to an article I found whilst doing said search, you could look it up too if you were interested and had the time.
Of course sometimes the problem with knowing these things is that we are to emotionally and mentally exhausted to actually do them. After all, these depression spirals don’t usually happen overnight. They’re often days, weeks, even months in the making. Things like connecting with friends, practicing mindfulness, and exercising are hard to do when depression takes away the energy required to do those things (Kloppers,Lifehack.org). Does that mean we should just give in? Certainly not, but the next time you tell your friend to, “get up and let’s go for a run” or “let’s meet up for a drink”, try to keep in mind that they are probably mentally exhausted from whatever their brain is putting them through at that current moment and try to be a little sensitive to that. Remember, these things don’t happen overnight and sometimes the thing that you are asking them to do might be near the root cause of their spiral in the first place.
Personally, the root cause for almost all my spirals is an inner lack of self-confidence. Lack of sleep, busy schedules, lack of social life, and relationship problems all have their hand in causing my personal spirals, but at the end of the day the eye of the storm is usually the same: confidence. The fear of being inadequate, of being disliked or invisible to someone(s), and of just generally not being good enough has been my true mental and emotional vice for as long as I can remember.
I think it’s the reason while I have this inner desire to improve and be coached, even at 27 years old. It gives me the opportunity to receive feedback and if I do my best I will hopefully be praised for helping someone or doing a good job. I once had an evaluator tell me that I craved “atta-boys”. Small tokens of acknowledgement that I was doing something right, it doesn’t matter who it is from. That person was very right. That simple, positive piece of feedback from someone provides me with the affirmation that I am doing something right. It’s incredibly powerful and motivates me to do more.
I think it’s why I have always been involved in a relationship. I desire to feel love and affection from others, and positive romantic relationships can offer an abundance of this. Feeling like you’re important to someone and that you can make their day with a gesture or telling them that you love them is a special feeling that happens in only a few places. The feeling is therapeutic and provides that affirmation that I matter to someone. The search for that feeling has also led me to make some selfish relationship decisions in my past, ones that I acknowledge and take onus of, but ones that I made in the search for happiness. I don’t think it is a coincidence that single people appear to be more prone to being depressed, and I don’t think that it is a coincidence that I am experiencing this latest downturn while I am single.
I do think that this search for visibility and importance is why I love teaching and coaching so much. Every time one of the kids that I work with has their own personal victories, big or small, I get to share that with them and feel as though I was some small part of it. Few people in the world show gratitude as readily and as obviously as kids do once you have that relationship built with them. It sounds a little selfish out loud, but teaching and coaching, while incredibly demanding at times, are almost like another form of therapy. I can’t think of anything else in the world I would rather get paid to do with my time.
While “I’m miserable,” means something slightly different to everyone who suffers from a form of depression, it has always been an important part of the downward cycle for me. It is often at that point that I am able to initialize a series of positive things in order to begin that long climb back up the cliff. It starts with the realization and acceptance of my current state. It leads to the makings of a mental plan in order to get myself back on the upswing. It requires me to take a step back and reflect on all the things that I am thankful for. Then it involves me actually putting those things back into action. It involves me finding one of those things that will provide me with enough positive motivation to jump start a new positive spiral upwards. Video games, connecting with friends, and chasing girls all failed get me up off my living room floor today, but writing didn’t.
Writing has been something that I have leaned on in the past when the moment arose to get my thoughts out on paper and avoid them clouding and turning over in my head. This is hardly the first time that depression has inspired me to write, and I doubt it will be the last. I am very thankful for my ability to write sensibly enough to soothe my mind. I am thankful to have a platform to share these thoughts with others, so that maybe one other person may read this and think that what they are feeling isn’t so strange after all. I’m thankful for every time I think out loud to myself, “I’m miserable.” I’m thankful for every time that I get up off that floor and decide to make the effort to try to be happy, because life has so much to offer us. I’m thankful for those of you that are still reading, even if you don’t fully understand or think I am being dramatic or dumb. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for being a small part in my therapy today. You’re awesome.
Me?
“I’m relieved.”
Source:
Mandy Kloppers. “Fifteen simple ways to overcome depression and sadness”. Date accessed: July 22, 2016 at: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/fifteen-simple-ways-overcome-depression-and-sadness.html
For people who suffer from depression, that’s often how it starts. Maybe not in so many words, maybe in no words at all, but something happens that we get to this point where this thought forms in our minds. Often the thought is never vocalized out loud. Occasionally we don’t even know that it’s there. Other times we ignore it, hoping that it will go away if we just keep living our lives.
We rarely know the direct cause of this thought. We couldn’t tell you if we tried, but we really appreciate you asking, even if we don’t always act like it. We say things like, “Yeah, I’m fine,” even though we know we’re not. We might say, “I’m tired,” which is a popular one amongst boys and men, who are especially afraid of looking weak or soft. We all, however, are afraid of being seen as though we’re ungrateful for what we've been given. We all are worried about the judgement that often comes from feeling sad in a world that has so many happy things in it. But then, there it is, that thought.
“I’m miserable.”
For some people who suffer from depression, that thought is the very bottom. For others it’s merely a stage in the spiral downwards that has recently gripped them. Maybe something happened directly to the person to start the cycle. Maybe something happened to the people or area around the person that was just one more hole in the leaf that the caterpillar of life sent spiraling downwards.
They begin to feel more tired and more irritated, they act more reserved around friends and family, they lose interest in favourite past times and hobbies. They come home to a lonely house without a decent eight hour sleep in the last two weeks. They search through their contacts for someone to go out with, coming up empty. They don't want to bother anyone with their feelings or cries for help. They look through video game stores as if they were a teenager again, hoping for something to grab their attention and spark some sense of purpose inside like it once did. They feel invisible and unimportant until finally they find themselves laying on the floor of their townhouse this afternoon thinking out loud to themselves:
“I’m miserable.”
For me that thought has always brought one unexpected feeling: relief. I think it’s because it brings an odd sense of understanding of what I am thinking and feeling. I try to think of it like a large cliff face, with the thought acting as a ledge to land on. When I am spiraling downwards, like a leave in the wind, I don’t feel as if I am in control. I feel as though there is no ledge to land on and I might spiral forever. The thought “I’m miserable,” has this way of defining my state of mind and closing off the noise of the wind that exists within a depression spiral. It offers a place to land and establishes a firm knowing of where my mindset currently is. It also provides me with the feeling of being back in control and establishing a base camp for my climb back to the top. This climb, of course, is often easier said than done.
People who suffer from mental illness often already know the types of things that they need to do in order to get back up to the top of the cliff. If you don’t, a simple Google search using the words “10 ways to cope with depression” reveals 13, 600 results. In fact, here’s a link to an article I found whilst doing said search, you could look it up too if you were interested and had the time.
Of course sometimes the problem with knowing these things is that we are to emotionally and mentally exhausted to actually do them. After all, these depression spirals don’t usually happen overnight. They’re often days, weeks, even months in the making. Things like connecting with friends, practicing mindfulness, and exercising are hard to do when depression takes away the energy required to do those things (Kloppers,Lifehack.org). Does that mean we should just give in? Certainly not, but the next time you tell your friend to, “get up and let’s go for a run” or “let’s meet up for a drink”, try to keep in mind that they are probably mentally exhausted from whatever their brain is putting them through at that current moment and try to be a little sensitive to that. Remember, these things don’t happen overnight and sometimes the thing that you are asking them to do might be near the root cause of their spiral in the first place.
Personally, the root cause for almost all my spirals is an inner lack of self-confidence. Lack of sleep, busy schedules, lack of social life, and relationship problems all have their hand in causing my personal spirals, but at the end of the day the eye of the storm is usually the same: confidence. The fear of being inadequate, of being disliked or invisible to someone(s), and of just generally not being good enough has been my true mental and emotional vice for as long as I can remember.
I think it’s the reason while I have this inner desire to improve and be coached, even at 27 years old. It gives me the opportunity to receive feedback and if I do my best I will hopefully be praised for helping someone or doing a good job. I once had an evaluator tell me that I craved “atta-boys”. Small tokens of acknowledgement that I was doing something right, it doesn’t matter who it is from. That person was very right. That simple, positive piece of feedback from someone provides me with the affirmation that I am doing something right. It’s incredibly powerful and motivates me to do more.
I think it’s why I have always been involved in a relationship. I desire to feel love and affection from others, and positive romantic relationships can offer an abundance of this. Feeling like you’re important to someone and that you can make their day with a gesture or telling them that you love them is a special feeling that happens in only a few places. The feeling is therapeutic and provides that affirmation that I matter to someone. The search for that feeling has also led me to make some selfish relationship decisions in my past, ones that I acknowledge and take onus of, but ones that I made in the search for happiness. I don’t think it is a coincidence that single people appear to be more prone to being depressed, and I don’t think that it is a coincidence that I am experiencing this latest downturn while I am single.
I do think that this search for visibility and importance is why I love teaching and coaching so much. Every time one of the kids that I work with has their own personal victories, big or small, I get to share that with them and feel as though I was some small part of it. Few people in the world show gratitude as readily and as obviously as kids do once you have that relationship built with them. It sounds a little selfish out loud, but teaching and coaching, while incredibly demanding at times, are almost like another form of therapy. I can’t think of anything else in the world I would rather get paid to do with my time.
While “I’m miserable,” means something slightly different to everyone who suffers from a form of depression, it has always been an important part of the downward cycle for me. It is often at that point that I am able to initialize a series of positive things in order to begin that long climb back up the cliff. It starts with the realization and acceptance of my current state. It leads to the makings of a mental plan in order to get myself back on the upswing. It requires me to take a step back and reflect on all the things that I am thankful for. Then it involves me actually putting those things back into action. It involves me finding one of those things that will provide me with enough positive motivation to jump start a new positive spiral upwards. Video games, connecting with friends, and chasing girls all failed get me up off my living room floor today, but writing didn’t.
Writing has been something that I have leaned on in the past when the moment arose to get my thoughts out on paper and avoid them clouding and turning over in my head. This is hardly the first time that depression has inspired me to write, and I doubt it will be the last. I am very thankful for my ability to write sensibly enough to soothe my mind. I am thankful to have a platform to share these thoughts with others, so that maybe one other person may read this and think that what they are feeling isn’t so strange after all. I’m thankful for every time I think out loud to myself, “I’m miserable.” I’m thankful for every time that I get up off that floor and decide to make the effort to try to be happy, because life has so much to offer us. I’m thankful for those of you that are still reading, even if you don’t fully understand or think I am being dramatic or dumb. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for being a small part in my therapy today. You’re awesome.
Me?
“I’m relieved.”
Source:
Mandy Kloppers. “Fifteen simple ways to overcome depression and sadness”. Date accessed: July 22, 2016 at: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/fifteen-simple-ways-overcome-depression-and-sadness.html